PS Things Will Get Better
by goodbyetolove
Summary: Santana makes the wrong decisions to help her deal with her feelings for her best friend.


**3:17 AM.**

The numbers on my alarm clock made me cringe as I squinted my eyes trying to somehow change the time. There was nothing worse than being woken up in the middle of the night due to a horrible thunderstorm that didn't seem to shut the fuck up. After many failed attempts at trying to fall back asleep, I decided to just give up and grab my cell phone that was lost beneath my blankets. When I found it my fingers immediately dialed Brittany's number without even thinking about it. My fingers have a mind of their own, and Brittany's always on it.

"H-Hello? San, is this you? Are you alright?" Her voice was sleepy yet completely concerned at the same time. After she was done speaking I heard her let out a small yawn and my face was probably glowing brighter than the damn lightening going on outside.

"Yeah, hi. It's me. I'm fine, calm down Britt." To be honest, you would think that Brittany would be used to this by now. Thunderstorms always woke me up and even though I hate admitting it, they scare the living shit out of me. I don't want a tree falling on top of me or my roof ripped off or something stupid like that.

"I miss you," She began to speak, her voice sounding a bit more awake now. "Even though I just saw you. I closed my eyes, and I saw you just like I do every night."

Brittany never got tired of telling me that she dreams about me every single night. I don't return the compliment although it's completely true. But it wasn't normal so it wasn't coming out of my mouth.

"Do you hear the thunder?" And like always, I ignored what she said and changed the subject to something completely stupid.

"Yeah, I hear it." She let out another yawn and her voice went back to sounding sleepier than ever. "Why don't you put in your headphones and listen to your iPod? It'll distract you.." Her voice got quieter and quieter as she drifted back off into sleep.

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep at all and soon I was listening to the faint sounds of her breathing. I kept the phone close to my ear for longer than I should have before finally hanging up in disgust with myself. Using Britt's great idea, I grabbed my iPod and put on whatever song it wanted to play. My eyes slowly closed as I waited for the song to come on, trying to wash out all thoughts of Brittany, but just like she, I thought of her every time my eyes closed. Suddenly the first song on my iPod played and I quickly pulled my headphones out in anger. "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat, you have got to be fucking kidding me. My iPod was quickly shut off after it made the poor decision to play that song.

Instead of listening to music, I began to think of a day that always seems to stick out in my mind the most. I always think about it whenever I can't sleep and I can't even help it. It was when I was only eight years old, and Brittany was over my house with her parents. This was back when our parents used to get along, of course. Anyway, we were eight years old at the time and we were playing outside in the backyard. It was a beautiful day and we were just running around as our parents talked. Out of nowhere, Britt thought it would be a great idea to push me down. Now, at the time, I was used to getting pushed down because I was one of the shorter kids in my class. Boys especially loved to try and push me down but they never really succeeded. But if they did, I never reacted the way I did when Brittany pushed me. I cried, I ran to my mother and I cried my eyes out and Brittany just watched. She was probably confused to why I was crying, because she's seen people push me but she's never seen me cry. There was no stopping the tears though, as much as I wanted them to.

"Why'd you cry?" Brittany approached me later on that day after our parents had seperated us from each other. She didn't let them keep her away.

"Because you pushed me." I rudely shot back with my arms folded firmly across my chest.

"Yeah well, alls you ever talk about is that kid Noah. You deserved to be pushed."

I didn't say anything after that but I did stop talking about Puckerman so much, even now that I'm dating him. You would think after all these years Brittany would have gotten used to it, but she hasn't and she still hates the mention of his name.

The thunder seemed to be getting louder but the thoughts in my head were even louder. The flashing lightening in my room also wasn't helping, so I pulled my blanket over my head and closed my eyes tightly. My first image in my head was Brittany, and how she probably looked right now asleep in her bed. It should have been my boyfriend, but it was my best friend. I ripped the blankets off my head and looked over at my alarm clock.

**3:29 AM.**

_Are you fucking kidding me?_ There was no sign of falling asleep anytime soon so I grabbed my phone again only this time opening up a text message to Puck.

"Hi." I had nothing to say to him. I just needed somebody to talk to and I know that if I sent it a few times it would wake him up eventually.

"wtf babe?" I rolled my eyes at his pathetic answer.

"I can't sleep."

"do u want me to come over? r u in that mood again? ;)" As soon as I read this response I turned off my phone and squeezed it in my hand, almost as if I was trying to break it. Sadly I wasn't as strong as I thought.

But, that was the thing. I wasn't as strong as I thought. Not even close. I come off as this big bad bitch in McKinley when in reality I'm some scared little girl. I was afraid of a lot of things and having feelings for my best friend was the worst of them all. I had to get these thoughts out of my head one way or another. I remember reading about self harm in health class and thinking how stupid it was. It was starting to make sense though. The perfect way to stop thinking about something shitty, was to do something even shitter to yourself. I looked over at my desk knowing that the single edge razor blade I had used to open a box my aunt delivered to me was sitting on top of it. I thought about it plenty of times - of getting up and grabbing it, to get my mind off of things. I tried my best not to, but my body won over my mind and got out of my bed, walking myself over to the desk. The blade was right where I left it.

I stared at it long and hard before picking it up and throwing it in my trash can. I couldn't do that to myself. It would only make things worse.

Or maybe it could make things better.

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><p><strong>AN:** So I just put this together quickly, it's nothing special but I'm working on going towards a dark path with Santana. Reviews would definitely help if you're interested!


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